Seeking direction

Dear Diary,
  Times have been hard. Nothing in the past 4 weeks has been going very well for me. She's leaving, and I'm just stuck in a dilemma of what to do. I really want to ask her out, but is it worth the risk? Do i go for it and lose everything, or wait and hope for a change of events? Life has just been falling apart for me, all this stress, all the pressure. I just pray that God gives me the strength to live on through each day, that he gives me the support I needed but didn't get from my friends, to go on with life. I thank God for what great things he has done for me in my life, but right now, I just want a sign from God, to show me truly which path to take, what I should really choose, because I know he wants only the best for me, and only the best He will give.
  As of now, IT is under control. I guess the world DOESN'T end in 2012 then. haha.

I don't know what to do anymore

Dear Diary,
Hey long time no see right? yeah been a bit too addicted to Heroes of Newerth lately. Not to mention the fact that exams are coming soon and my guitar exam this Friday (wish me luck) and the Malay IGCSE that just passed. NO MORE MALAY!!! YAYYYYY!!! Ok anyway i just started Taekwondo sparring training yesterday. Gosh my life is so busy now :( hard to fit anything into my timetable. =/
Anyway you know I'm so confused now. You know that part of every person's life where they tumble into confusion and don't know who their real friends are or something like that? yeah that exactly. So its a short post i know and i owe you a long one after so long but I've got a headache not feeling too well so bye! :)

IT RETURNS.

Dear Diary,
Today, on my bed, at 9.30+ i felt my most dry tears fall from my eyes. Nothing personal, but its the people in this school in particular. Every guy is screwed up. Maybe its just because we're in secondary. But I really don't care. I can't live with this any longer and still force IT under control. I know for sure any moment now, I will pop, easier than bubble. Why dry tears? Because its not tears from sadness. THOSE ARE TEARS OF RAGE AND HATRED. and that's dangerous. especially in my case. I just got it under control last year, I don't want it to overwhelm me again. What would be the point in living, if i reach level 5? I think I'd be better off dead.
You know every day of my life I have to fake that smile, act optimistic, but inside I'm really just falling apart, crashing down, dying that bit more every single day. But really, who cares? As far as I'm concerned, no one. no one ever bothers with me. I'm just another person in Garden's. But living the life I have so far, this is like daily vitamin. I've been hated, discriminated,denied,betray,tossed aside......Its been there all the time never once a break. Like every freaking person on Earth hates me or something.
Maybe I'll just let it out. Let it make them pay. Teach them a lesson. I've been holding back so far. If I let it out, u screwed up people wouldn't stand a chance.Rage would drive me crazy. More insane than i have ever been.

Hari Raya Hols~

Dear Diary,
So here's a summary of my Hari Raya holidays so far. I've gone to singapor the night before the holidays began. I played computer most of the time, played a few rounds of the Game of Life which i had to and had no other choice. Came back, and my parents are off to Italy :D Staying at Brother's friend's place tonight and going back tommorrow.
I just visited Tasha's blog just now and she said i was at a level of nothingness. But there is no level of nothingness. Even a kid from kindergarden knows that. From a post i read at KGMH ( Kids Give Me Hope ) which i still don't know why i went to read, a kindergarden kid was asked whether the phrase, ' you are beautifull' was a fact or opinion. He replied, ' a statement, everybody is beautifull in their own ways. even the most ugliest person in the world is beautifull beyond imagination.' If a 5-year-old knows such a thing shouldn't we all?
Life here in Garden's is okay...but i just wish i had some friends from pirmary here with me. Its getting really lonely and im getting bullied all the time. People like to pick on me all the time. I even pprefer it in primary where everyone hated me except for my few true friends. But we've split up, and only i left alone. I feel so lonely now. I have hardly any friends in Garden and half of my friends ( which really isn't much) dislike me and go against me sometimes. People just hate me everywhere don't they? Life is just so hard.
I know what you think about this blog. It sucks doesn't it? Well for those of you who think that, get your ass out of here! You shouldn't be reading this if you think I suck. Most of you won't even read till this part, and i hardly have any readers. Anyway im not meant to have that many. Its supposed to be my own quiet personal blog for my diary entries right. And im sorry for not posting so often its hard to post while im so busy playing

Dear diary,
The holidays so far have been quite good =) my cousins have visited and we have been having many late nights playing computer. But tonight they both fell asleep so its just me which gives me time to write this post. Nobody really comes here anywayz D: its not like im super popular or something )= i don really have many friends but id rather have one best friend than a hundred friends who dont even treat me with proper respect ( yes a lot of ppl from gardens does that to me >.< ). Anyway my birthday is coming up soon and i wonder whats in store for me this year? i don reali want much. i just want to have friends beside me forever and always. :) hey guys from gardens? its not like any one of you guys are gonna read this but seriously some of you shouldn't judge book by its cover. some of you guys started treating me badly even ever since i first arrived. i havent really been seeing some of the blogs of my friends so im suprised that some had quite a lot of post too read :) oh and diary, im gonna find a way to get my friends to read you...maybe they'll understand me more? deep down inside im a very complex person im just so confused and my life has been quite messed up so far i dont know how to fix it anymore =( i mean even in primary i couldnt have any peace? how much harder is life gonna get at this rate? hey diary remember in primary? some of my best friends betrayed me :( they ditched me and went against me D: lifes just so hard all the time. at least i learned to keep the pain inside me hidden from my friends. that way they don get involved in anything. hide the pain, keep a smile, act as if nothing ever happened :) i really gotta find away to get rid of the anger thats forever building up inside of me...

heres the second part, where talk about some secrets. hey diary i know this is a blog and everyone can see but i gotta let them out and tell someone rite? thats why im relying on you to keep it a secret for me kay? ;D thx last saturday i saw her :D ii only see her on some saturday which is the sad thing cuz i don get to see her everyday. i wish we went to the same school or something? but shes a year older than me and probably never really even notices me D: nobody really does anyway. i go around as if im some ghost no one can see or something. sometimes i don even get a 'hi' from some friends. should they even be considered my friends?

anyway the post is really too long but im gonna post more another day. todays post helped a bit, a bit less frustration in my life its feels good to let out some emotion in writing :D

..Then he is most likely to have lost his humanity

Dear Diary,
Today I don't know what to feel anymore...If this keeps going on one day it will reach lvl 5.
My brother tried to throw the TV remote at me. So I got angry and watched my own shows. He started crying. Its so annoying and now I really hate him a lot. he called my mother and told about me and saying only bad about me. He didn't even bother to tell her that he threw the control at me. I had to tell her myself. Then she accused me of daring him to do it. I was so frustrated. >.< Then she forced me to do some work that isn't even due in two weeks time. I was unhappy but i said 'fine...' in a normal tone... Then a minute ltr she called my phone and told me off because she thinks I said it in a rude tone.
Just because u all think i am violent doesn't mean i don have any emotions. I have emotions and i can be soft-hearted sometimes. The feeling when you have tears coming out of your eyes and you know its not because of happiness but in fact the exact opposite. I cried for like 10 minutes after she hanged up. I started screaming at the pillow. Then it happened. It got to lvl 2 but nothing else further. I wanted to punch the wall or something. I bet i could either chip part of the wall off or break my hand. They both work and result in the same effect.
Sometimes I wish she would just leave me alone for once and let me decide what I want to do. Just beacause you are my mother doesn't mean you have control over me. I have the right of Freedom so leave me alone. You say you don't nag me. You say you don torture me. You say you give me freedom. You say you let me choose when I want to do what i wanna do. But all that, its just talk. You really mean it then walk the talk then. Prove to me you give me Freedom. cuz now, you trap me in your torture chamber and don let me go. I bet when u were a kid u felt like me. if u know how it feels then don do it to other people.

But if any human has never felt love before...

Dear diary,
Yesterday was another one. These frenzies are happening too often. I fear it rising to level 4 or even worse, level 5. Should a level 4 frenzy happen I will know that the level 5 frenzy is just around the corner. I plan to either lock myself up or if that doesn't work then death seems like the only other solution.
Yesterday, after school i felt good. It was another KL Dragons training session for basketball. I know its like KL's squad its so awesome! You guys all know how much I love basketball :D its like my life. I wouldn't have come to his school if there was no basketball. :D Training was quite good. Lots of push ups, especially for Owen my little white friend :) because our coach was kind of bullying him. In the end Owen managed to score a goal from behind the hoop (I know its almost impossible :O!!!) and he won a T-shirt with the words KL Dragons on it. He felt so proud :) I felt so happy for him. Although the shirt was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too big for him since he was so short and small in size, he should grow into it in a few years time. I hope he reaches his growth spurt soon :) GO OWEN!!! :D
Right after basketball practice Owen decided to try to make the same shot again. This idiot which was named apan (I think) kept trying to block him. I started to stop him from doing that. he pushing me for no reason. I hate him soooooooooooooo much. Then for some reason he kicked me in the stomach. I got angry...(Yes... im afraid frenzy level 2 ) There were like 5 people blocking my path towards revenge over him. After that some year 10 guy came and pinned me down to the ground and wouldn't let me go until some teacher came. The teacher 'escorted' (I didn't really need it) me to the front gate and i got into the car. The guy really is an idiot. I will get him back one day. I swear i will get my revenge over him one day. He will regret his entire existence.

You guys from KC1 I really miss you all. Even those enemies I really hated. I realized without you guys life is really broing :( I wish I had gone to same school as some of you guys D: Especially miss The Shinobi 3 members and Chee Heng D;But I can still meet you guys on Dragonica some times so I guess thats quite ok...Except for Jian Jun.
I wish some of you guys had come to Garden international school with me :( Even Brandon would be fine :O we're quite ok now ever since THAT betrayal.

Love is the best emotion ever...

Dear diary,
Yesterday made me very happy. I spent the whole day with HER and some friends. In the morning, we went paintballing. :) In total we played 4 rounds but i only got shot once. I ran out of bullets once as well. And like...omg the bullets have vegetable oil in them :( ...plus paint! it was awesome!!! In the afternoon we had KFC for lunch. SHE was as eager to eat as me :) now i think i love her more :) After lunch we played some games and ice-breakers. It was quite fun. We played the table fusbal and snoooker as well at Ken's house. For dinner we went to Ian's house for BARBEQUE!!!! But before that we went swimming and played some polo, monkey and relay racing and i swam like super mega slow :( Dinner was quite good :) there was chicken and steak and beef and sausages and PIZZA!!! there was corn as well then we had some dessert and Ian's mother made her famous marble chocolate and cheese cake the cake was too good I almost had like sugar rush! By the time I got home it was really late so i had to go to bed :(

next time!

It's frenzy states

You all know what happens when I get angry. Those are frenzy states. For my frenzy states there are 5 different levels. Here they are-

lvl1- angry. furstrated. no action taken yet. Fist squeezed tightly.
lvl2- Transformation starts. It starts taking over.the growling and hissing takes
place. But combat still human.
lvl3- I will bite but otherwise still human in combat.
lvl4- Combat no longer of human style. I will scratch, pounce, and attempt to rip
things apart.
lvl5- I CANNOT CONTROL IT ANY LONGER. IT WILL KILL IN FRENZY 5. i CANNOT STOP IT EVEN
IF I ATTEMPT TO.

As of until now nobody has yet to trigger frenzy state 4 and 5. If one day this might happen, I will take the full fault of the doings.